January 29, 2004


Thought you'd be interested in this email:

From: "Palmer, Wayne (Santorum)"


U.S. Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA), Chairman of the Senate Republican Conference, is seeking a Deputy Press Secretary. The ideal candidate will have strong ties to the state of Pennsylvania, as well as education and/or 2-4 years of press/p.r. experience, preferably in government. This position represents a great opportunity for a young person to work for the third-ranking leader of the Senate majority, who is also a member of the Senate Finance Committee.

If any of your alumni or current students fit this profile and would like to work on Capitol Hill, they can call me directly at (202) 224-6324 or fax their resume to me at (202) 228-4808.

Thank you for your consideration.

Wayne Palmer

Policy Director, U.S. Senator Rick Santorum

It's time to send in a spy.


A Loyal Reader.

Thank you for sending this email on to me, ALR. If there's anyone out there who is 1. a fan of santorum-producing activities 2. a regular reader of spreadingsantorum.com 3. unemployed and 4. willing to work for Senator Santorum and spy on Senator Santorum for this website, well, it looks like ol' Rick has a job for you! Apply today!

January 27, 2004

I would like to correct some misinformation on the spreadingsantorum.com page. On January 24th you published the following on your Spreading Santorum website:

“Hm... Santorum fills an auditorium... the mind fairly boggles! I noticed, however, when I read the story, that none of the students at Georgetown had the balls to ask Senator Santorum about the meaning of his new name. What a bunch of cowards!"

Someone did ask the Senator about the new use of his name, Mr. Savage, and that someone was me. The question was not mentioned in either campus publication, but I do have it on video.

When my friends and I heard that the Senator was coming to speak as part of the annual Cardinal O'Connor Conference on Life, we planned on going and asking about the definition. We had a plan where one of us was going to dress like a Midwestern conservative and pretend to be outraged when doing internet research on the Senator and finding this new use for his name. We ended up having to use plan B when the Senator took ten minutes to answer each question and the woman we had chosen to do the asking was still far back in line.

So, when my turn came, I asked him. In response he attempted to take the high ground and not really address the question. Keep checking your regular mail for a copy of the tape so you can judge for yourself if we should win the prize for getting him to comment. Many people feel that the question I asked him was "disrespectful" and "graphic." I certainly didn't think so. And I have heard that as the organizers of the conference, Georgetown University Right to Life, apologized to him on his way out he said, "That's what you get for not charging for tickets." As if I wouldn't have paid to ask Santorum about santorum!

Anyhow, just wanted to let you know that there are some at Georgetown unafraid to ask the tough questions of our public officials.


Well, Mike, if you did ask Senator Santorum about the new meaning of santorum, and if you caught that moment on tape, you will not only win my undying love and affection, but some books and other nice gifts mentioned in a previous Savage Love columns. I can't recall off the top of my head what those gifts were, Mike, but I'm pretty sure they were awesome.

So I will look for the video in the mail -- and once it arrives, and once I've verified it, I will get your prize package to you. I will also make copies of the tape and send them to various media outlets *and* post the video on this here website.

I'm a student at Georgetown and the News Editor at The Georgetown Voice. To clarify, student Mike Wilson did in fact ask Senator Santorum a question about the meaning of his name, citing your definition verbatim. The article's mention of "several pointed questions" was an arguably oblique reference to this incident, which has been widely discussed by the student body here.

Shanthi Manian

News Editor

The Georgetown Voice

As oblique references go, Ms. Manian, "several pointed questions" is so oblique as to be arguably useless. How is anyone to infer from "several pointed questions" that a guy named Mike Wilson asked Senator Santorum about that frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex and not, say, the Senator's support for the partial birth abortion ban, his obsession with man-on-dog sex, his bash-the-poor comments to various reporters?

Frankly, Ms. Manian, your news judgment is lacking. Any serious student of journalism would have covered this groundbreaking development in depth (and given props to the brave Mr. Wilson!), and not dismissed it with a so vague an aside!

Let me assure you that someone at Georgetown did indeed have the balls to stand up and ask Senator Santorum about his namesake. Proof is contained in the following letter written to The Hoya, another Georgetown University newspaper:

While Georgetown’s Speech and Expression Policy may never be amended to restrict irreverent or uncouth remarks, it disappoints me when certain members of the Georgetown community abuse the privilege of listening and learning to such a degree.

Such was the case at Sen. Santorum’s (R-Pa.) keynote address yesterday at the Cardinal O’Connor Conference on Life. In a desperate attempt for attention and recognition during the Q&A session, one individual chose to liken the Senator to a vile bodily discharge in order to portray his alleged reputation within homosexual circles.

The Senator responded well to the verbal attack, and this individual’s misguided comments proved only to be an embarrassment to himself.

From what I am told, both the organizers of the conference and the questioner operated within the bounds of the Speech and Expression policy. But I’ve come to realize that there’s a huge distance between what this policy permits and what it ought to require — if only one thing — from the intelligent and privileged individuals that comprise our community. And it’s called decency.

Kirk C. Syme (MSB ’04)

Director, 2004 Cardinal O’Connor Conference on Life

I was out this weekend in DC, and I was trying to explain to a couple of friends in town from Chicago, the definition and origins of santorum. They were so intrigued by it all (first of all they had never even heard of Rick Santorum, much less the newer definition), that we decided that we would conduct a small, impromptu and unscientific survey at the bar we were going to after dinner, to see how far santorum has spread. This survey consisted of me going to every table I could and asking everyone seated if 1) they had heard of Santorum and 2) what they knew of the word.

Here are the results: 45 people total surveyed. 18 people had never heard of Rick Santorum. Out of the remaining 26, all of whom had heard of Rick Santorum, 10 knew the "'Savage Love' definition," as many called it.

While I was slightly disappointed, my friends from Chicago were intrigued. The best part, though, is that in conducting this small survey, at least one person at every table did know the "Savage Love" definition and everyone at the table who was not in the know immediately demanded to know what the hell I was talking about. So although when I arrived only 10 people knew, when I left 35 more people had heard the word, and I guarantee that my newly informed Chicago friends will be spreading the santorum upon their return home this week.

Just thought you might be interested in this little neck of the 'spreading the santorum' woods.

KC in DC

Apropos of nothing, KC in DC, I was born and raised in Chicago, where I was spreading santorum myself long before the word was coined.

And while you were disappointed in the results of your survey, KC, I was not. Of the 45 people you surveyed in DC, ten knew the new "frothy mix" definition of santorum. That's upwards of 20% of all D.C. drinkers surveyed! That's terrific market penetration—ask anyone in advertising!

Dan: I love the idea of you running bus ads here in DC, but it just sounds too expensive and too difficult to get past the censors. Have you considered stickers (of the bumper variety and smaller), at least as a first step? Some of us here would be more than happy to stick them around town.


Yes, Josh, I have considered stickers—viral marketing I believe the practice is called—but it would be difficult for me to run a viral marketing campaign from afar. (Alas, I do not live in D.C.) Plus, most viral marketing is illegal, as viral marketing usually involves defacing public property with stickers and such like. I would much prefer to buy bus ads—so I'll just hope that George Soros comes though with some dough. In the meantime, of course, you and your friends in D.C. are free to take whatever steps you feel are necessary to spread santorum on your own...

I'm a DC resident and last evening (Friday, January 23, 2004), I was at a scummy bar in Georgetown and happened to be having a few drinks with some friends from my university alumni association.

There was a girl with whom I was talking that was pleasant and nice. She mentioned that she just finished an internship on the Hill. I have an inquisitive mind (and also, I use party affiliation to determine if the conversation is going to continue) so I asked this kind person which senator worked for. Her response: "Senator Santorum."

I despise Senator Santorum. However, the thought of your website and personal crusade against this man came into my head. I stopped for a moment, expressed my dismay to the young lady, and then asked her if she knew what santorum now means. She did. Back during her internship, she help respond to constitute mail. Senator Santorum would receive upwards of thirty emails a day from individuals across the country on the alternative meaning of his name. The Senator requests that every day his staff summarize the topics of all email and have that summary brought to him to read. This young lady confirmed that the alternative definition of his name was listed, constantly, in these daily updates.

Congratulations, Dan, and warm regards,


Thanks for taking the time to write, Brian. And in case anyone would like to get something into Senator Santorum's daily email summary, here's the senator's email address again: webmail@santorum-iq.senate.gov

January 23, 2004

Dear Dan,

On Wednesday, 21 January, the Senator Himself spoke in our Inter-Cultural Center on his signature topic, and The Voice, one of our student newspapers, gave the talk its usual & fairly straight-forward coverage. However, given the headline on the top of the front page, I can't help but wonder if someone on the staff knows about the (still) secondary meaning of the term:


The original can be found at: Georgetown Voice

Hm... Santorum fills an auditorium... the mind fairly boggles! I noticed, however, when I read the story, that none of the students at Georgetown had the balls to ask Senator Santorum about the meaning of his new name. What a bunch of cowards!

January 22, 2004

Dear Mr. Savage,

I just wanted to congratulate you on "santorum" making it into the New York Times -- kind of. It appears in Thursday's edition in an article about "google bombing." Unfortunately, they only allude to the meaning of the word: "Other recent Google bombs have sought to associate President Bush, Senator Clinton and Senator Rick Santorum, a Pennsylvania Republican, with various unprintable phrases."

Engineering Google Results to Make a Point

I suppose we shouldn't expect to find "the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the product of anal sex" within the pages of the Times (at least not since that prankster Jayson Blair left), but then again, no one expected a US senator to bring up "man on dog."

Anyways, hopefully this is the kind of printed ammo you need for your campaign for OED recognition. And apparently you have fans at America's premiere newspaper. Could a Sunday Times column be next? I bet William Safire would love to have you on board. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for an "On Language" etymology of "santorum."

Also, watching the State of the Union with a room full of Harvard undergrads, the camera shot of Santorum ellicited howls of laughter from half of us, and after a quick explanation, snickers from the rest. Aside from Tom Brady's cameo (he's a Patriot, we get it already...) and Nancy Pelosi's mescaline-induced Democratic response, it was the highlight of the speech.


Dan Bailey

Oh, one final thought: Perhaps the reason none of my quotes were included in the Tom McNichol’s piece on Google bombing is that… well, I had to confess to Tom that I never bombed Google at all. When I expressed a desire to get www.spreadingsantorum.com up to the top of the page when you searched “Santorum” on Google, I got a lot of advise from readers about how to do just that. Unfortunately, it involved a great deal of work – work done in front of the computer, no less, work I was simply too lazy to do. I told Mr. McNichol as much, and told him that www.spreadingsantorum.com made it to it’s current #4 position on Google on its merits alone, and not thanks to any attempts on my part to game the system. All I did was put the site up andmention it in my column (“Savage Love”). My readers – God bless them, every one – did the rest.

So it’s thanks to my readers that www.spreadingsantorum.com, and the new definition of santorum, pops right up when you search santorum. It’s not in the top spot yet… but I’m content to be where I am, #4, right after three links to Senator Santorum’s own website. Indeed, it’s only fitting that I’m bringing up Senator Santorum’s rear.

Finally, I’m considering buying bus ads on Washington DC buses and in the DC subway to promote this website and help spread santorum all over our nation’s capitol. This is, it goes without saying, a hugely expensive proposition. If there’s anyone out there reading this (hello, George Soros!) who might like to contribute… don’t be shy! Write me at santorum@savagelove.net

January 22, 2004

Well, well, well.

Not too long ago you were bemoaning the fact that santorum and it's correct definition was not being picked up by the main stream media. It is getting closer.

Today in the New York Times I read an article titled "Engineering Google Results to Make a Political Point." I found the following therein: "The Liberty Round Table, a libertarian group, started a Google bomb that linked the Center for Science in the Public Interest, a nutrition advocacy group, with the term 'food Nazis.' Other recent Google bombs have sought to associate President Bush, Senator Clinton and Senator Rick Santorum, a Pennsylvania Republican, with various unprintable phrases."

"Unprintable phrases." Hmmm, how delicious. Congratulations.

Long Time Reader

I saw the story this morning shortly after the New York Times hit my porch. While it's wonderful to finally see the new meaning of santorum referenced, however vaguely, in The New York Times, I somehow don't think congratulations are in order. The author of the story -- Tom McNichol -- actually interviewed me for the piece and then had the nerve not to use any of my quotes! My quotes contained many printable phrases, LTR, as I give a fairly pithy interview. I'm half tempted to think of a new meaning for McNichol...

You can check out the story by going to this link:


In one of your recent columns you complained about how none of the big media outlets had so much as mentioned your Santorum Google-bombing victory. Well, I was reading an article about Google-bombing in the New York Times today, and though they didn't provide any specifics, they did mention that Santorum had been a target! It's only a matter of time before other newspapers catch on, and the next thing you know, whenever they show a picture of Santorum on NewsHour with Jim Lehrer, instead of writing "R - PA" under his name they'll write "The frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex".

It Must Be A Left-Wing Conspiracy

We can only hope, IMBALWC, we can only hope.

The new meaning of santorum also made The Hotline, "National Journal's Daily Briefing on Politics" today -- and, like The New York Times, the Hotline chickened out, not only refusing to define the term, but neglecting to provide the link to this website. Here's the item:

WHAT'S NEWS . . .Thursday . . . 1/22/2004 . . . 4 pm

...Meanwhile, we hear sex columnist Dan Savage has started a Web site that uses "Santorum" as a noun, but we ain't linking to it.

January 21, 2004

I don't know if you caught the State of the Union address, but you would have been in Santorum Nirvana. Rick was clearly seen nipping at Bush's heels as they entered. However, the money shot came when that dickhead at the podium talked about his commitment to an amendment ending the reign of those "activist judges" who would allow same-sex marriages. Ol' Ricky was there, grinning and lapping up applause. Every time I saw his face, I thought to myself, "Who the hell is that guy? Oh yeah! That frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex." Great job you old politico, you.

Pissed-Off Liberal

I didn't catch much State of the Union Address last night -- or SOTU, as the bloggers like to call it. I did, however, get home just in time to hear Bush slam those damn activist judges (like the ones who handed him the White House), and pledge to support a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. I, like the four or five other gay Americans who were doubtless watching the speech, wasn't pleased -- until the camera cut to Senator Santorum. Seeing Santorum's ugly mug inspired me and the boyfriend to get it on in his honor.

I'm happy to report that we didn't have to endure "a visit from the senator" -- remember, kids, santorum is only *sometimes* the byproduct of anal sex.

I thought you might be happy to know that last night about eight college students sat in our dorm watching the State of the Union address, and as the Shrub was banging on the podium about the Defense of Marriage Act and the camera cut to Santorum's smirking face, all eight of us burst into hysterical laughter and started yelling, "Santorum! Santorum!" I wonder how many people across the country had the same reaction. Maybe the number would wipe the smirk off Santorum's face. It's spreading, Dan, santorum is spreading, and we love you for it.

Arielle Lipshaw

Keep reading this week's letters, Arielle, and you'll learn that Senator Santorum must have some idea about how far and wide the new meaning of santorum is spreading.

As for the numbers of people who had the same reaction you did, well, mail is pouring in from readers who had the same reaction you did when Senator Santorum appeared on screen.

Not sure if anyone else saw this, but I watched the State of the Union address on a certain "fair and balanced" cable news channel. Just as our President was finishing his heart felt discussion of the institution of marriage (between a man and a woman), the camera pans to The Honorable Senator from Pennsylvania, "Rick or Dick" Santorum. It's nice to see the grips and bestboys (tee hee) read your column.


Republican Laughing At Other Republicans

Thanks for sharing, RLAOR!

Hard to believe that I could watch President Bush deliver his address, but I did. As he delivered his sanctity of marriage spiel, the NBC cameras panned to none other than Senator Santorum, looking quite serious and self-important. I had to smile to myself (one of the few moments in this speech that I could), thinking of you and your fellow faithful readers responsible for the creation and rapidly spreading use of the term santorum.

It was the bright spot of the broadcast, at least for this Savage Love fan. Keep up the good work!

A Big Dan Fan

I will do all I can to spread santorum, ABDF, but it's really the readers of this website who are doing the hard, hard work of smearing the senator's name. Keep up the good work, gang!

I want to thank you for all of your good work in redefining "santorum." I tuned into the State of the Union address last night just in time to catch the we-must-protect-ourselves-from-gay-marriage part, which was ever so depressing. But as soon as Bush had finished reading his paragraph, NBC cut immediately to Senator Rick, and all I could think of was the alternative meaning of his last name and how Santorum has gotten his just desserts. It gave me hope. Thank you.

Erin B.

You're welcome, EB!

Just saw Rick Santorum singled out during Demonspawn's State of the Union I wonder how many other people watching chuckled and thought of a certain substance. Poor guy.

Puking in Chicago

Thousands, PIC, thousands -- and most of them took time to write!

Dan: Where I work, we get this daily online tip sheet called "Hotline," published by the National Journal. Every day they do a run-down of what presidential candidates are up to. Today, under the John Edwards part, the headline reads "EDWARDS: Scathed by Santorum." Somebody said out loud to no-one in particular, "Hey, check out Edwards' bit in the hotline today." Within 30 seconds, a chorus of "eeeeewww!!" erupted from all over the floor. When we got to the end of the item -- which I've enclosed below -- about 5 minutes of pants-pissing laughter filled the room. Of course, the reference in hotline is to Mr. Santorum, rather than to the noun santorum, but reading thru the passage, the way it's worded, I'm betting that the hotline writers read your column! Sign me,

I Thought You Should Know

Thanks for sharing, ITYSK. The item is hysterical -- and I'm betting that whoever wrote it had to know the new meaning of the word santorum! Here it is:

EDWARDS: Scathed by Santorum

Manchester Union Leader's Kepple reports Senate GOP Conference Chair Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) delivered a "blistering" attack on colleague John Edwards during a 1/14 interview with the paper. Asked his impression of the WH '04 Dems, especiually the three senators, he called Edwards an "empty suit" with no understanding of how govt. worked.

Santorum: "As far as the three are concerned, all three of those candidates have their strengths and have their weaknesses. Of the three, candidly, I'm the least impressed with John Edwards. In his time in the United States Senate, he distinguished himself by arguing for things I would have thought he would have been an expert on -- things like the Patients' Bill of Rights and medical liability -- but was as remarkably uninformed as any general member of the United States Senate on these issues." More Santorum: "The basic perception in the Republican caucus was that this guy is just an empty suit, that he just simply doesn't understand. My feeling is that he's a nice guy, he makes a very nice appearance, but I don't think he has the understanding, and the depth of understanding, of how government works and how these kinds of things affects the everyday person."

Edwards spokesperson Colin Van Ostern said he wasn't surprised Santorum was all over Edwards.

My friends and I just got back from a trip to Washington, D.C. While there, we had some free time and decided to visit Rick Santorum's office. There is a guest book in the lobby, so two of us (each on a different day) defined "santorum" in the comments section!

Santorum Spreaders

Good job, SS!

January 16, 2004

Dear Dan,

As the editor of a newspaper, you ought to know that, if you want the mainstream press to pick up a story, you have to spell it out for them. Thus, drawing on distant experience in media relations, I’ve taken the liberty of drafting a Santorum press release (see below). If Santorum activists forward the release to as many media outlets as possible, the story will eventually find its way to the mainstream wires. If one big outfit puts it out, everybody else will follow. Sooner or later, “tidbits” and “oddities” columns all over the Western world will be overflowing with Santorum. If they post the URL, you’ll win the Google war with ease. Twenty years from now, Senator Rick Santorum will be remembered exclusively as “the guy who inspired the name for the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.”

Uma O.

Dear Uma: Your press release is fabulous -- and I'm posting it here in hopes that other santorum fans will download it and send it off to various media outlets all over the country.


Anal Sex Byproduct Named for Senator Santorum

Internationally syndicated sex columnist, Dan Savage has launched a sweeping campaign to introduce a new word, "santorum," into the English language. Mr. Savage defines "santorum," which is named for U.S. Senator, Rick Santorum as "The frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex."

Mr. Savage's column, "Savage Love" appears in over seventy newspapers in the United States, Canada, Europe and Asia. His effort to introduce "santorum" into popular parlance comes in response to a series of bigoted remarks made by Senator Santorum in reference to homosexuals. To help popularize the new word, the columnist has launched a website, www.spreadingsantorum.com, which includes a comprehensive selection of santorum-related letters, songs, merchandise, pictures, fun facts and recipes.

The new word is spreading fast. In addition to entries in the Urban Dictionary and the Glossary of Perversion, the site boasts numerous testimonials from readers who report hearing it used in countries as diverse as Cuba, Belgium and China. Google currently ranks www.spreadingsantorum.com as the third most relevant site corresponding to a search for "santorum."

Mr. Savage says that matching a credible-sounding name with a gap in the English language was the key to the santorum campaign's success.

"What works so well about santorum is that a smart Savage Love reader linked Senator Santorum's vaguely clinical-sounding name with something distinctly scatological, an anal-sex-induced bodily fluid that had previously lacked a really good name. 'Santorum' sounds like it could be what that frothy mix of lube and fecal matter has always been called, and that's why it's caught on."

The santorum crusade began in April, 2003 when the Pennsylvanian senator told reporters from the Associated Press that he hoped the United States Supreme Court would uphold anti-gay sodomy laws and compared consensual gay sex to incest, bigamy, adultery, and "man-on-dog" sex. The comments inspired a suggestion from a Savage Love reader that a sex act be named for Santorum "so that the episode would never be forgotten."

In response, Mr. Savage solicited readers' suggestions for a worthy "santorum" definition. More than 3000 nominations poured in Nine made it to a shortlist. Readers voted overwhelmingly for "The frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex." The rest is history.

Although Senator Santorum is generally despised by Savage's readership, a few fans have challenged the fairness of forever linking him (and, by proxy, his family or anyone unlucky enough to share his name) to the previously anonymous "frothy mixture." But Savage is unapologetic.

"I understand that there are some innocent Santorums out there. But I see it like this: It sure sucked to be Fred and Ethel Hitler of Columbus, Ohio, back in 1943, didn't it? Or Bill Himmler? Or a Quisling in Norway after the war? Or a no-relation Lewinsky? Or an Oswald in 1963? Or Mary Sue bin Laden in upstate New York in 2001? My point is, sometimes a perfectly good name is stolen from a family, sometimes it's ruined in fact, by the actions of one bad, wayward, idiotic, or downright evil person, and it's the bad, wayward, idiotic, or evil person who shared your name that's to blame, not the general public."

Senator Santorum has declined to comment on the new homonym for his last name. But he may have trouble avoiding the matter forever.

In addition to encouraging readers to post links to the Spreading Santorum website and lobby for an entry in the Oxford English Dictionary, Mr. Savage has offered a gift pack including a case of lube, a selection of santorum-themed T-shirts and copies of Anal Pleasure & Health and The Big Book of Masturbation to anyone who can get a quote from Santorum (the senator) on santorum (the lube-and-fecal-matter mix).

"Let's keep spreading the word," Savage says. "Soon santorum will be on everyone's lips."

Dear Dan: I read your wish to get santorum added to the Oxford English Dictionary. I work for the publisher, Oxford University Press, and thought I would offer a few hints on how a collective effort can make this come about.

Firstly, our dictionary is not too sold on the idea of online sources being reliable and permanent enough to warrant an entry that will last for posterity. Therefore, printed sources are more successful. If you are able to find a number of different columns or articles that reference santorum, collect the clippings.

Secondly, as another reader pointed out, these should be submitted directly to the OED via the webpage:


Thirdly, it should also be noted that articles and columns that just reference santorum in an attempt to define it are less likely to be successful - if it still needs to be defined in the column, it means the word has not yet reached the point where it has entered the common lexicon and therefore does not yet warrant an entry, it is still just a neologism. Context is everything. If the word is used in an article in a way that assumes that most readers will understand it without it being defined, we are getting closer. Also, the broader the audience, the better - niche-jargon or minor subculture slang is less likely to be considered.

All the above points can be illustrated with "bling-bling", recently added to the OED.

Lastly, not to put a damper on things, but a suitable timescale is also preferred when a word is being considered for entry. If I remember correctly, the traditional rule of thumb for new entries was that the word needs to appear in at least five different widespread printed media sources over the course of five years. I think this is less relevant these days with new techno-jargon, but it can still be a factor.

Hope that helps the campaign achieve some success!

Your Man on the Inside

Thanks for the pointers, YMOTI.

Everyone! Keep your eyes peeled for mentions of santorum in print -- particularly ones that don't mention me or my campaign -- and send them my way. Santorum has appeared in a play (see the next letter), and we know from an earlier letter that the santorum might be heard in a re-make of Dawn of the Dead. So at least two scripts out there use santorum, and neither make any reference to me. Let's find more examples, kids!

Dan: Just writing to let you know that over the summer, I wrote a play that was performed in the Minnesota Fringe Festival (the largest independent theater festival in the nation). While audiences could have been larger, everyone who saw "Semi Autobiographical" (or an advertisement for the play) was treated to a santorum reference. I hope to go down in history as the first playwright to integrate the term into his work.

Chris Kelly

P.S. I've enclosed the dialogue that includes the santorum reference:

JAMIE: ...and all of a sudden Travis just gets up

and leaves and says he’s going to visit his hairy

monkey boyfriend.

SARAH: He called him a hairy monkey?

JAMIE: No, I just heard somewhere that he was

really furry. Whatever, he’s gone for half an hour,

forty-five minutes maybe. And he comes back all

disheveled, and it’s clear that sex has happened. Are

you guys sure you want to hear this?

CARL: For the hundredth time, yes! We want proof

that you can tell a truly filthy story.

JAMIE: Fine, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Anyway, we get up and start walking back towards the

dorms, and we realize that there’s this brown stain

slowly spreading across the back of Travis’ pants. I

mean, he was dripping. Like, post-sexual carnage or


SARAH: Santorum!

JAMIE: But since he didn’t seem to notice, none

of us said anything. We just pretended like it wasn’t


DAVID: Well, he had to have realized. Maybe it was a badge of honor.

JAMIE: That’s disgusting.

DAVID: No, seriously. How do you not notice anal

leakage? He has to know that lube and cum and god

knows what else are coming out of him.

SARAH: Maybe he was numbed by the recent


CARL: They could have used that lube that numbs you,

so you’re all loose and ready for action.

JAMIE: And here I was worried this story would be too


SARAH: I kind of like the badge of honor idea. Like,

kind of advertising to the whole world that he’s just

had this huge dick in him. That’s completely


CARL: Technically, we don’t know that the dick in

question was big.

SARAH: To leave him dripping like that?

(DAVID groans.)

JAMIE: To be honest, he was only mildly complimentary

of monkey man’s genitalia.

CARL: See?

DAVID: New topic.

JAMIE: Agreed.

(c) chris kelly 2004

Thanks for sharing, Chris, and I hope to see your new play transformed into a made-for-TV movie/holiday event/very special episode of Gilmore Girls sometime soon.

Let's move on to a few more literary selections inspired by santorum...

Hello, Mr. Savage.

Here’ s hoping the following humble effort will inspire further references to santorum in song and verse:

There once was a schmo from New Shoreham

Renowned round the town for decorum

But when no one was near

He’d stuff a thumb up his rear

And say, "Hey! I gots lotsa santorum!

God bless you, Sir, for all the good work you have done!

Limerick Author Reinforcing Santorum

Dear Dan: "Duck butter" is a floating semen clump that sits on the top of hot tub water after you've disengaged from having unprotected sex with your (now discharging the resultant goop) partner. I heard this in high school in Marin County, where bored rich teenagers, hot tubs, and absentee parenting was the norm. "Dude, where did Jenny and Matt go?" "They're making duck butter." It was common vernacular. Given the nature of sex in water (which sucks), I think it's just a teenage mythos thing, but that's what I heard, so I am submitting it for the annals humping-related terminology.

Thanks for being so great! You are best!


Name Withheld

Another reader claimed that duck butter, NW, was the original name for santorum. I felt it was more disgusting -- if that's even possible! -- than santorum since ducks and butter are both things we eat, and duck butter sounds like something that comes on toast points in a nice restaurant. I'm glad to learn that duck butter is the name of a mythical sexual byproduct -- unlike santorum, which is an actual sexual byproduct.

Hey, Dan: I was skimming a story on a news website (this one, actually: http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/tribune-review/tribsouthwest/news/s_171326.html) when I read that Rick Santorum's spokesman is named Hershey! Now, I'm sure it's because I never matured past a seventh grade mentality, but I just found that hilarious.


You've never matured past a seventh-grade mentality, Crash, while I can only aspire to that level of maturity. Hershey! Ha! Thanks for sharing!

January 09, 2004

Scarborough pranked by Dan Savage of "Savage Love" fame