December 15, 2003

I am truly inspired by your ingenious victory in the campaign to permanently stain that despicable excuse for a human being. There is no escape for him, because all roads lead back to santorum.

There is, however, one byproduct of the now-famous definition, which might affect one's enjoyment of a cappucino or a fresh-squeezed orange juice: Every time I now think of the previously innocent word "frothy" in other contexts, I find it difficult to forget the "frothy mix".

Is there a way to save that foamy, fluffy purity from the skank factor and the senator? Would you consider a proposal to remove "frothy" from the mixture, at least in the official definition?

Sweet Loving Underachiever Respects Purity

I'm sorry, SLURP, but "frothy" stays in the definition. The new definition of santorum -- complete with "frothy mix" -- is on too many websites and dictionaries to be revised now. I feel your pain, however.

Today I called the senator's office to ask about the definition and what sounded like a cute young lady told me she had no idea what I was talking about. And I just asked her if this was true that santorum is defined as a byproduct of anal sex with the elements of lube and fecal matter and she told me she was "not allowed to comment on that." I am going to have everyone I know call!

Thanks, Dan! You're Amazing!

Randy

You're welcome, Randy! And that number, for others who might want to call the senator and ask him if he knows what his name stands for...

1-202-224-6324.

I know you've been taking all kinds of crap for spending too much time talking about santorum, but I've just heard how to make the "Spreading Santorum" web site the top Google result for the term "santorum." It's the trick that was used to make George W. Bush's bio page the top Google result for the search term "miserable failure."

Here's what needs to be done: Spread the word to all your readers who have web pages and tell them to add this link to their personal web pages, blogs, etc.:

<a href="http://www.spreadingsantorum.com">Santorum</a>

The link should appear as the hypertext "Santorum" that links to the "Spreading Santorum" web page. As more and more web pages add this link, the "Spreading Santorum" will skyrocket to the top Google search result.

I hope this helps to place santorum in millions of web viewers' hearts, minds, and on the tips of their tongues. (Uhh, maybe not that last one.)

Peter Smith

Thanks for sharing, Peter, and I hope all the bloggers who are out there reading this page and linking to it follow your advice. As for the position of spreadingsantorum.com on Google, sometimes it's #3 on the first page, other times it's way, way down on page eight or nine. I don't understand why or how it's bouncing around so much...

It seems Rick Santorum is on to your shenanigans.

If your readers try to email Rick Santorum from his Senate Website (<http://www.senate.gov/~santorum/), the site blocks anyone who uses "spreadingsantorum.com" as part of the return address. So leave it off, folks, if you want to write the senator!

As the Senator's site also asks for your zip code, correspondents who don't live in Pennsylvania may want to check the online yellow pages for Pennsylvania. As a frothing-at-the-mouth asshole who's also an elected politician, Rick Santorum may pay more attention to Pennsylvania zip codes than out-of-state ones.
Zip Codes from Fun-Sounding Pennsylvania Places:
Beaver Falls - 15009
Bird-in-Hand 17505
Camp Hill - 17011
Danville - 17821
Intercourse - 17534
Mount Joy - 17552
Paradise - 17562
Peach Bottom - 17563
Pleasant Gap - 16823
Snow Shoe - 16874
West Middlesex - 16159

Zip Codes from Boring Locales:
Allentown - 18101
Bethlehem - 18015
Lancaster - 17602
Mechanicsburg - 17050
Philadelphia - 19103
Pittsburgh - 15260
Reading - 19602
Wyomissing - 19610

By the way, how do you feel about the link from your site to Glossary of Perversion? It contains a large number of dictionary definitions promoting violence towards women: beating women's faces in, punching them in the stomach, rupturing their eardrums, slamming them against walls and tables, gouging their eyes out and coming in their eye sockets.

I was dismayed.

A Fan And Supporter

Thanks for the helpful tips, AFAS. My readers who would like to contact Senator Santorum should follow your advice, leave out the name of this website, and use one of the zip codes you've provided.

As to the Glossary of Perversion, well, I'm torn. I don't approve of violence against women, of course, but it is a glossary of perversion, and violence against women is definately perverse, right? Still, it seems like the GoP is reveling in violence against women, so I'm going to remove the link from my website.

The folks at the San Francisco Chronicle are soliciting nominations for 2003's Word of the Year. Obviously, no word has better symbolized the ongoing turbulent relationship between the world's two favorite pastimes, sex and politics, than "Santorum." The URL below provides instructions on how to vote. http://www.sfgate.com/cgibin/article.cgi?file=/g/a/2003/12/11/word.DTL

SPREAD THE SANTORUM!

TS, San Francisco, CA

Thanks for sharing, TS! Folks, go to the Chronicle's website and vote for santorum!

This is in response to SSATUOM, who suggested adding sperm to the definition of "santorum." I know it may be hard for some of your readers to believe, but santorum can be created without a penis being involved.

Sincerely,

Delights In Kinky Ecstacy

Right you are, DIKE. You don't need a penis to make santorom. Two lesbians can have anal sex -- or two men, or a man and a woman, or someone playing solo person. All you really need to make santorum is a butthole, some lube, and something to stir the pot. Fingers, toys, strap-ons, fists, and forearms have all produced santorum.

Hey, Dan: Q: Who gave the Senator of Pennsylvania fecal matter-and-lube-stained sheets for Xmas?

A: Santorum Claus! Ho ho ho.

Happy Holidays!

Happy holidays to you too, HH!

Just wanted to let you know that santorum is spreading in the Midwest. I was at a bar here in Minneapolis last night with some friends and we taught the bartender to make the santorum shot described in your column. He had heard of santorum, the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter, but not the alcoholic version. He thought it was hilarious, and we drank several of them. You're right, they are delicious!

Jo in Minneapolis

Thanks for spreading the cheer, Jo!

December 08, 2003

Dear Mr. Savage: I am writing to suggest a slight change in the definition of "santorum," which is currently, "the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex." I suggest adding the ingredient of semen to the definition. While this may exclude certain types of fecal matter and lube mixtures, such as the mixture resulting from "pegging," the addition of semen as a requisite to the defining mixture will add an additional element of squalor to the definition, making it all the more apropos to describe our cherished Senator. I would also like you to know that the term is catching on at the University of Miami School of Law. My colleagues and I have attempted to spread the santorum goodness around. Keep spreading the goodness! Sign me,

Spreading Santorum at the University of Miami

Jesus, SSATUOM, I think the definition is gross enough as-is, don't you? And while semen is sometimes present in santorum, I don't want to encourage people to have unsafe sex just so they can make a little santorum. I like the idea that, as currently defined, santorum can be made by two people who barely know each other, made safely, and made often.

You have a fan in Cuba. My Cuban girlfriend began enjoying Savage Love when she visited me here in Toronto a while ago. Last week I was visiting her in Cuba, and I brought your column with me to give her some more interesting (and forbidden, like pornography and anything else sexual) reading material. We read your column together and as usual she had a good laugh. When I explained the term santorum to her, at first she laughed her head off, then looked at me seriously and said, "You know, there are people in prison for over 20 years in this country for saying less than that about our politicians." She paused to let that sink in, then said, "Democracy is great."

Dan, don't you and your fellow Americans wonder, if your democracy is so great to give you the freedom to promote santorum in public, why it's so afraid of allowing its citizens to visit a struggling little Caribbean country?

Countries Under Bad Authority

The politicians who prevent Americans from visiting Cuba, CUBA, aren't afraid of Castro or Cuban communism catching on in the USA. They're just afraid of pissing off conservative Cubans in Miami, those famously easy-to-piss-off whackos.

I am not sure if this has been suggested yet, but if you can get enough readers to setup internet links on their webpages with "Rick Santorum" and point it to your www.spreadingsantorum.com page, your page should bubble to the top of the Google search engine. This has been successful in the past (i.e. search for "miserable failure" in Google and Pres. Bush's Whitehouse biography is the first link listed). More information for "Google-Bombing" can be found at http://www.wordspy.com/words/Googlebombing.asp.

Stick It To Him

Thanks for the hot tip, SITH.

Dear Mr. Savage,

Just wanted to drop you a quick note to let you know that several of my friends—many of whom, sadly, do not read your column—have been using the term santorum in conversation in a way that has nothing to do with the politician. Your experiment to forever attach this horrible man's name to a horrible post-coital mixture is an unequivocal success. As one who is both a faithful reader of your weekly column, and one who loves and studies the English language, let me congratulate you on your successful grassroots campaign to forever add the nastiness of santorum to our lexicon.

Word Fetishist

Thank you, WF. Now when will the mainstream press report on this? For an example of the conservative bias in the mainstream press in action, one need only look to the complete media blackout on the Santorum/santorum issue. Why won't the mainstream (read: conservative) press report on our successful campaign to attach Sen. Rick Santorum's name to a sexual byproduct that's almost as disgusting as he is? Their conservative bias, of course. Someone alert Eric Alterman!

Hey Mister! There were times when your deviation into political commentary really annoyed me—partly because I'm one of those Counterpunch reading lefties who was less than fond of Al Gore. Uh… let's just hate the Bush administration, 'k? Anyway, I couldn't be more grateful for the "santorum" thing. It's things like your brilliant "santorum" campaign that make life worth living. Thank you thank you thank you! I really, really needed that.

Loves Everything Funny That Insults Elephants

Thank you for your sweet note, LEFTIE. But you seem to have left something out... AN APOLOGY! You don't say it in your letter, LEFTIE, but I can read between the lines: You voted for Ralph Nader! And, as a Nader voter, you helped put George W. Bush in office. So while I'll happily hate the Bush administration right along with you, LEFTIE, I can't help but point out that you bear some responsibility for the existence of that administration! First, an apology, then we can commiserate together, 'k?

Santorum is my representative. I am an artist in Pittsburgh and he embarrasses me. I made a photo illustration of him with a body that I bet he wishes he had.

http://www.sextorum.com

I'm offering it for sale. I need to make $2,000 so that I can give the maximum amount that is currently allowed by federal law to donate to the person who runs against Santroum in 2006.

John R.

You've associated a very foul by product of sodomy to a man's name. No matter how awful this man is, I wonder how fair it is for his family and anyone who have nothing to do with this politician and happen to have the same name.

I remember in school a bully picked on a girl who's name was Edith Mae. He made fun of her and anyone named Edith(this included adults) was a target of this moron. I see "Santorum" as the perfect example of this. I'm not saying you're a bully but your actions border on contemptible.

Rallying people to make fun of a man is one thing but to sanction his last name to ridicule, which belong to innocent people not associated with this man, is another.

I did a quick Yahoo search just for the hell of it and found 124 Santorums all over the US. Do these people deserve to have their names associated with fecal matter and anal sex? I don't think so, do you? I love you, Dan but I'm just not behind this.

Uncomfortable With This Campaign

I see your point, UWTC, but I have to ask: When Santorum was smearing gays and lesbians all over the United States—comparing us to dog fuckers—did you send him an outraged letter? Somehow I doubt it. And, shit, I'm sorry, and I understand that there are some innocent Santorums out there. But I see it like this: It sure sucked to be Fred and Ethel Hitler of Columbus, Ohio, back in 1943, didn't it? Or Bill Himler? Or a Quisling in Norway after the war? Or no-relation Lewinsky? Or an Oswald in 1963? Or Mary Sue bin Laden in upstate New York in 2001? My point is, sometimes a perfectly name is stolen from a family, sometimes it's ruined in fact, by the actions of one bad, wayward, idiotic, or downright evil—and it's the bad, wayward, idiotic, or evil person who shared your name that's to blame, UWTC, not the general public.

You're probably sick of santorum stories by now but I thought I'd pass mine along anyway, 'cause it's a good one...

Over Thanksgiving I was in central Pennsytucky, Santorum's own constituency and a right wing bastion, and I happened to be in a Walmart parking lot walking past this big 'ol pickup truck with a gun rack, you get the picture.

Well this guy had some interesting bumper stickers. One said, "I vote pro-life." One said some shit about being a NRA supporter. And one said, "Sportsmen for Santorum." Oh, if he only knew...

SMM

Thanks for sharing, SMM!

I recently submitted the word "santorum" to the Oxford English Dictionary and included a section of your column as an example of popular usage. I made an inquiry as to whether this could be considered a legitimate word, seeing as how it's catching on so quickly. I haven't received a reply back so far. I would encourage your readers to send in enough examples so that we can see this wonderfully versatile word included in the next edition.

Longtime Reader in Massachusetts

Thanks for sharing, LRIM, and I want to encourage everyone out there reading this to send an email to the nice folks at the OED. That link again: www.oed.com/readers/

Glad for the opportunity to contribute to this international craze, a little something for your Contact Santorum section...

The good senator has a link on his website where you can submit an email with your views regarding a range of issues. I would like to encourage your readers to make use of this wonderful opportunity to deluge his office with Santorum related questions or comments. Clever or crass, let's show him how widespread and inescapable his doom is. For topic, use "Faith Bases Initiatives".

I can just imagine it, every time ol' Rick hears about this... his teeth clench... his smile gets a little wider, but blood vessels are bursting in the whites of his eyes... each day....closer and closer... inch by inch....makes me feel warm inside, and this time it's not from heated lube. Pass the KY and let him feel the assfucking given to him by one gay sex columnist!

http://santorum.senate.gov/emailrjs.html

Send Him Inescapable Torture

Thanks for sharing, SHIT!

December 04, 2003

While I endorse the appropriation of Senator Rick Santorum's last name as a word for that frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex, and am doing whatever I can to help propel the word into common usage, the campaign does have a downside. As a young girl who enjoys anal pleasure, I often undertake the task of introducing young boys to the pleasures of anal sex. Some of them start out squeamish and full of misconceptions, and your focus on one of the least appealing aspects of anal sex hasn't helped. I do not want my lovers to expect santorum, Dan! I have never produced the stuff! I find that rinsing a few times with warm water administered with a 35 ml syringe prevents it entirely.

Please inform your readers that individual standards for pre-sodomy cleansing vary widely, and while a frothy mix of lube and fecal matter is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex, it isn't always, and, with a little preparation, santorum can be avoided entirely.

Squeaky Clean

As I've emphasized again and again, SC, santorum is only sometimes the byproduct of anal sex. For the record: Anal sex doesn't necessarily have to result in "a visit from the senator," a handy euphemism that's already in circulation. Anyone who encounters santorum every time he/she has anal sex needs to get a little more fiber in his/her diet, as well as spending a little more time in the can, pre-buttfuckin'.

As I'm of the opinion that nothing's truly entered the lexicon until it's had a basement punk band named after it, I hope you dig this: a band of teenagers taking part in this summer's musicstop/canadian conservatory of music "Rock Camp" in Halifax called themselves "the santorums". I'm sure you can get more info/confirmation by getting in touch with www.musicstop.com . Hell, no such thing as bad publicity, you'd probably get these kids a record deal just by mentioning them in your column.

Cosmic Haligonian

I'm sorry, CH, that I can't mention The Santorums in my column -- not now, anyway. If the kids pull together a CD or a single, let me know and I'll see if I can work 'em in to the column and get 'em a record deal. In the meantime, I hope a mention on spreadingsantorum.com at least gets The Santorums some club gigs.

Regarding the speculation in your latest column about whether the new term "santorum" is going to make it into the vernacular: if it isn't, perhaps it is because that "frothy mix" already HAS a name. It's called "love gravy." I read a few years ago it in the interview with a porn actor and haven't been able to get the term out of my head since.

No Clever Acronyms Here

Thanks for making it clear to all the folks out there complaining about the word santorum, NCAH, that there's a far more disgusting term for that frothy mix. Actually some readers have written in about yet another term for that frothy mix: duck butter. Santorum, while disgusting, is vaguely clinical sounding and abstract, whereas "duck butter" and "love gravy," on the other hand, are far more disgusting by dint of their association with foodstuffs. Duck butter and love gravy sound like products you spread on toast points and pour over mashed potatoes, respectively, before putting them in your mouth to chew and swallow. Santorum, on the other hand, sounds like something you need to get out your sheets and/or out of the U.S. Senate pronto.

I love your column, and I've enjoyed the santorum-the-noun saga since it began. But do you think you could do me a favor and lose the phrase "santorum will soon be on everyone's lips"? I know what you mean, but it still sounds gross. You told a girl recently that she was justified in refusing a blow job when her boyfriend said his dick looked like it was covered in santorum. I think this falls roughly into the same category. Who wants to think about santorum on their lips?

Santorum Isn't Culinary, Kids

Consider it done, SICK. In place of the phrase "santorum will soon be on everyone's lips," I promise to use... hm... let me see. Oh, yes: "Santorum: It's on the tip of your tongue."

Your effort to popularize "santorum" continues to pay off. I was enjoying a post-work drink with friends recently when a news clip featuring the big man himself appeared on the bar's TV. The conversation immediately turned to that "frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter", how appropriate it is that the word was coined in honor of the senator, and laughter at the man himself.

Now that the use of santorum is well on its way, I wonder if the Savage Love lexicon could be expanded with a new word—"boygina." My boyfriend coined that one. He's one of those straight guys that enjoys having a dildo in his ass during sex. I had difficulty with this at first, but he explained that massaging his prostate during sex (something he discovered in adolescence) made his ejaculations more intense (it does) and that a man's asshole can be just as erogenous as a woman's vagina (it can).

However, discussing anal sex using "ass", "asshole", "rectum", or "bunghole" colors the conversation with a dirty, excretory aura. "Boygina" makes it sexy. The only thing I can't decide is whether to spell it "boygina" or "boigina."

I hope you'll consider it for inclusion in the Savage Love dictionary.

Sincerely,

The Dildo and Daniel W.

I'm sorry, TDADW, but "I wanna fuck your ass," is a lot sexier than, "I wanna fuck your boygina/boigina." I mean, ugh. Boygina/boigina sounds like something a pedophile might say, or a fallen pop star, or a man who's having trouble accepting that he likes to get fucked in the ass so he wants to think of his ass as some sort of cut-rate vagina. Repeat after me: "I wanna fuck my boyfriend's hot ass," "I want to fuck my boyfriend's hot ass," "I wanna fuck my boyfriend's hot ass..." The more times you say it, the sexier it sounds.

My wife and I have had two boys in cloth diapers, and these shit-rags are still gleaming white. If your readers are having trouble getting santorum out of the sheets, off the pillowcases and out of the drapes, here's what will work: Keep a covered bucket in the bathroom, filled with water and a hydrogen-peroxide-based cleaner. Once you find yourself in possession of santorum that you'd like to be rid of, drown it in the bucket. Run the garments through the washing machine once the bucket is full, and all will be swell.

Daddy-O

Thanks for the helpful hint, Daddy-O! But anyone who produces santorum so regularly—remember, it's only the byproduct of anal sex sometimes—should probably give up anal sex altogether and take up, oh, knitting or something less physically demanding.

Every time I got to the gym this superhot personal trainer wants me to finger fuck him in the back hall. I'm always up for gym sex, but I hate how my fingers smell for the rest of my workout. No matter how hard I scrub or how much lotion I slather I still smell like his santorum. Is there a brand of soap or a home remedy you would recommend?

Smelly Fingers

Ask your gym to keep a bucket filled with water and a hydrogen-peroxide-based cleanser in the locker room for you to soak your lil' fingers in.

I am 52 yo man and had my first anal intercourse a few weeks ago with Hawaiian hooker in San Francisco. I hated the santorum!

But that's not why I'm writing, this is: I have a theory for your attack on the senator. I think you are sexually attracted to Rick. Although he is very mean and arrogant, he is rather feminine and frail/boyish looking man....

Late Bloomer

Sorry, LB. Senator Santorum does nothing for me—I mean, I've had "hate sex," banging away at some guy I thought was a jerk, so it's not like the concept of wanting to fuck someone you loathe is alien to me. There are a lot of hateful guys out there I wouldn't mind making santorum with—or wouldn't mind risking it with, since santorum isn't always the byproduct of anal sex, only sometimes the byproduct—but Santorum ain't one of 'em. Dan Quayle's oldest son, on the hand...